I am tired. I am really tired. Not just the “I said yes too many times tired”, or “the list is too long tired”, or “the when will I ever get caught up tired”; but the my daughter kept waking me up every 15 minutes since 2:30am tired. Combine all of those states of tiredness, and you have my mindset today. I am trying to stay calm and happy, and just get through it, but grumpiness took over this morning.
After saying good-bye to my dad (I miss him so much!), getting Scott to work, and running to the store for the necessities for today, I started cleaning. I admit, when I clean, I get grumpy. I curse the family and their dirty ways. I curse the pee all over the bathroom floor AGAIN (Am I the ONLY one who sees it?). I silent curse everything. Then I curse myself for being ungrateful for a house of joy and happiness. I curse myself for being grumpy because I am busy because God is blessing me with work, passion, and opportunities. I should have turned on music, because when I clean with music, no one gets cursed.
Anyway, as I was scrubbing, the dumbest thing happened. My cell phone fell out of my pocket and landed on my toes. For some reason it HURT, I mean HURT, and now, hours later, it STILL HURTS. Seriously, a CELL PHONE. How? Anyway, I cried out in pain because it hurt so bad. However, my kids didn’t come to see if I was OK. From another room, I hear, “Mom, what happened?” However, finding out if I was OK, was not as important as the book he was reading.
Really? I haven’t taught my kids to drop everything when they hear a scream??? Is that something that is taught? Are my kids becoming good people??? Feeling like a terrible mom, and so alone, I finish the housework and move on to the next item on my list.
My son, comes to me with his money. He wants to earn more today. “I will clean the bathroom, fold the towels, and wipe down the toilet for you,” he offered.
“Well, I already cleaned the bathroom and toilet today, so you can’t do those things. However, I am sure we will find some chores for you to do this weekend,” I offered.
“Oh, OK.” He left the room.
A few minutes later, he returns with a dollar. “Here, this is for you,” he said.
“Why? Keep your money.”
“Well, you cleaned the bathroom, so someone should give you money. Thank you.”
That one tiny gesture was bigger to me than pee on the floor, ignored cries, and all of the other failings I feel each day as a mom. I am not perfect, and I am not doing this mothering thing well most of the time, however, every once in a great while I get a sign that maybe, just maybe I am doing something right.